i like carrying around the dead parts of me
even in the face of life
even given the choice

the dead things are grounding, happiness is too free
each step i take is heavy
each moment i waste, fulfilling

there is a hole that's back again
it has made it's way around the wheel again
why do i have a need to fill this hole again
that spot is decaying inside again

in between here and there
i want to take you with me
instead of suffering alone
i am selfish and i am scared

i knew this boy.........we grew up together. our mothers were good friends. we always had so much fun. we played 'bank' and made haunted house rides in my nana's old sheds where the floors were caving in and the walls were lined with old jars filled with odds and ends. we used my barbie make up head and drew on her and hung her from a tree in a makeshift noose.

he died recently in a car accident. i wish we hadn't lost contact. he was sad. depressed.


he came to me the other night in a dream. he was little again and his head was wrapped in gauze. he held his hand out to me. i was wondering when he would visit.

i'm sorry tommy. i'll always remember you.

ghosts live here.


sometimes when i can't breathe, i open my mouth to get more air. that doesn't seem to work anymore.
you see the ghosts, they're everywhere.
all this time, all my life, i've thought myself crazy.
but here all along it's been the ghosts that have been draining me.
<breathe>
<breathe>
i'm not getting enough air.
<deep sigh>
<breathe deep>
feelings turn to despair.
<breathe>
<drown>
i slip under the water.
<swim>
<hurry>
i'm breathing even harder.

my lungs fill with water.

+wake up+

the black horse is racing away and taking my heart with it but in my minds eye i can see
i can stop it
i can ride with it
i can remember it
i can survive it.

ghosts live here.

need.
to. contaminate.
to. alleviate. this. loneliness.



i've lost my mind.


oh. my. precious. heart.

experiment?
am i an experiment.